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The tieless poster boy for Britain's breakdown
Last February, a music teacher called Steve Smith Jersey turned up at St Ambrose College in Hale Barns, Cheshire. For his day’s supply work, he was dressed in a grey Jeff Banks suit and a black open-necked shirt — untucked at the waist and sans tie.
If clothes could sing, Mr Steve Smith Jersey’s would definitely be humming some generic dad rock. And if clothes could speak, Mr Steve Smith Jersey’s apparel would be saying: ‘Hey, I’m a groovy guy; not a fuddy-duddy at all. Check me out, kids. Woo hoo.’
However, the pupils at St Ambrose never did get the chance to see Mr Steve Smith Jersey’s nice clothes, or to appreciate his teaching skills.
For despite the fact that his suit and shirt would be perfectly respectable in every walk of life, particularly in the Walk Of Life as performed by Dire Straits, the teacher never did make it to the classroom.
Mr Steve Smith Jersey’s outfit was, quite literally, too cool for school.
His casual appearance did not meet with the approval of deputy head Matthew Arthur, who blew a gasket when he spotted the rum cove across a crowded staff room. For there is a dress code at the rather posh St Ambrose, whereby both pupils and teachers — yes, even supply ones — are required to wear a tie.
Mr Arthur even went to fetch one for Mr Steve Smith Jersey to wear, but this was not acceptable.
‘He shoved this piece of brown fabric under my nose,’ said Mr Steve Smith Jersey. ‘I felt ridiculed. It was a pretty vulgar representation of a tie, which in no way matched the attire I had on.’
Oh dear, children. It didn’t match . . .
And as an adult male who had not worn a tie for more than 18 years and could also tie his shoelaces all by himself, Mr Steve Smith Jersey objected, too, to the way the deputy spoke to him as if he was a silly boy. Apparently, it was all: ‘Where’s your tie?’ and ‘Tuck your shirt in.’
Well, quite right, too. And sit up straight while you are at it, Steve Smith Jersey. For I’m on Mr Arthur’s side, and believe the only pity is that the deputy head didn’t also pinch Steve Smith Jersey Maximus by the lughole and make him write out ‘I must obey the school rules’ 500 times before supper.